TO INHALE OR TO EXHALE.

The aloe vera plant on our balcony refused to grow. It preferred to remain stagnant, until it started to shrink. It was no fault of ours. It was a personal choice of its, for it had a mind of its own. We watered it daily, made it accessible to adequate sunlight, put it in good soil. What else did it need? So when my mother compared my sister to the aloe vera plant, I knew she was one step from giving up on her, just as we were from giving up on the aloe vera plant.

"At least if we throw away the aloe vera, it could be manure." My mother said. "You'll have no use even if you're thrown away."
On a lighter note, I would have shouted: one-zero, indicating that my mother just scored a savage point against my sister. But this wasn't a lighter note, and since I wasn't interested in having my previous misdeeds exhumed like my sister's, I kept quiet.
I couldn't quite get the reason for all the shouting initially, but I knew it had to do with our tests result. The previous week, our uncle, who doubles as our family doctor, ran our usual biannual tests on us. He came this morning to give my mum our results.

"Nkechi,' he said, I'd rather you handled this matter yourself instead of my brother, that's why I'm giving you these results."
"What matter?" My mother asked.
"Open Nwanneka's results and see for yourself."
My mother quickly scanned through the results. Her face suddenly went pale.
"Are you sure this result is hers?" My mother asked.
"I did not get my licence by being careless. Just ask her the needful questions."
"Nsogbu adiro, no problem. Please don't mention it to my husband. I'll do that myself."
"Nsogbu adiro. I'll be on my way now."
"Daalu Linus, thank you."

"Ahnahn Uncle Linus, won't you have something to eat before going?" I asked as he made to leave.
"On a better day Ugo," he answered and gave me a forced smile.

"Go and call your sister for me." My mother commanded.
"Ok mar." I knew better than to ask what the matter was. The fire in my mother's eyes showed it would be better to go through Dante's 9 levels of hell than through her single level of hell.

"Tell me all I need to know." My mother queried Nwanneka while handing her tests results to her.
She spent about 5 minutes reading through it.
"There should be a mistake here mama. This is not my result."
"Then it's mine, okwaya, right?"
"Mba."
"Okay," my mother said stretching the word and putting her hands akimbo. "You want to play pretend with me. E kwa. Nsogbu adiro. Your father will be a better person to play pretend with." She made to leave the parlour.
"Ahhh. Mummy I'm sorry. It was just once we didn't use a condom. I was in my safe period so I didn't think I would get pregnant and he withdrew before he spilled. Please don't tell daddy." My sister was crying by now.
"Nwa-a a raputa go m. So you've been having sex all this time, and you dared to do so without contraceptives at some point. What if you get HIV or any other STD? Who is your partner sef?"
"Chidozie. Sorry. Chukwuebuka."
"Oh. They're even more than one. I gho ru go akwunakwuna, okwa ya? You have become a prostitute, right?"
"No mar." My sister said amidst more tears.
So who exactly is responsible?"
"Dozie."
"No problem. Either you go and live with him, or he comes to live with you in the boys quarters till you put to bed. You have to be together till he sees the fruit of his labour."
"Mummy please don't do this to me."
"You should have thought of the consequences of your actions. Next time use a contraceptive if you can't hold your toto."
"There'll be no next time, I swear it."
"Nk'ahu gbasara gi. As for that Dozie-fellow, tell him to come over for lunch tomorrow. Let me be sure it's not even an imbecile you got pregnant for."

Ghen ghen ghen. Nwanneka is pregnant for Dozie. I sang in my mind.

I didn't know who to console between my sister whose eyes were now swollen from crying, and my mother who went upstairs to cry in her room, while scowling and spitting obscenities and reminding her ancestors that she didn't bring shame upon her family.

The following days were hell for my sister. My mother saw to that. She made comments that pointed to my sister's pregnancy. Comments like;
'Oh. So you're going out to add another pregnancy to the one you're already carrying' or,
'hope you're on a safer period this time to avoid getting pregnant again' or
'hope the guy you're going to see has a Ph.D in withdrawing, afterall different certificates are obtainable in that your school.'

This was to be the story of her life till my uncle came knocking one Sunday afternoon.
"Nkechi nne m," he said after exchanging pleasantries and joining us on the table, "I'm terribly sorry, but the result I gave you the last time was a mix up. That's not Nwanneka's result. It's for another patient."
We all froze. I could see the relief on Nwanneka's face, but I knew she'd hate uncle Linus for making mother know she was already having sex, and has had it with different people.
"I'm sorry for the trauma it must have caused you all," he continued. "You should be happy to know your daughter is not pregnant afterall."
"I am." Said my mother. "I truly am."
"Nwanneka what do you have to say?"
"Uncle Linus I believe your licence should be retrieved. That's what I have to say."
"Well, not the response I was hoping to get, but I understand."
"No. You don't."

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence and the silence was broken only when uncle Linus was about to depart.
"We shall see later. Tell your husband to keep my goodies for me o." Uncle Linus said while leaving.
"Goodies saa kwa gi afo, let goodies purge you," my sister whispered.
I laughed.
To think of all that would have transpired if uncle Linus did not rectify the mix up before my father returned from his trip. We would have had to bury someone this Good Friday, while bearing in mind that there would be no resurrection for the person on Easter Sunday.